Dear Soul,

I know that with every single day you lose your breath. I am trying to create for you an abyss, maybe you can hide from this world.  If you can wait for me a little longer I will take you in that place where you should be. I can feel that you are afraid of this world, of these fake people who pretend to be real, afraid of this life. I can feel you in every single second. I am afraid too.

I know, you cannot breathe in this city, and I am so scared to lose you. Every single morning has the same reason, and you know that in your place it is autumn almost.  I close my eyes for a moment, in that only moment I feel how time passes through me. The sky dies in every single sunset, the sunset dies in every shade of moon, and I lose myself in the ocean. Just the ocean can listen how my soul sunken and cries out loud.

I can’t escape. Don’t run from me. I will give to you silence from shades of a moon, piano, sky, and ocean, but don’t run. I will give you peace, the one that you have been looking for. I will give you words, in all the languages. I will stay still with you until late, I will be honest and no one and nothing will change me.

I am nothing without you. I’m nothing, just bones. A lonely ghost burning down songs of violence, of piano, autumn, love, and sorrow. I’m just a broken piece.

Sometimes I just can’t breathe without you. I am so scared about this life and how people can use each other. I was used, and still, I have nothing to use. I am down, down.

I am scared that I will never find who I am. Who I am really? One day I will be so tired to wake up. I am so scared that I will never go where I want to be. I am scared to lose my soul.

I feel pain in all my body, like rust that is in all my bones, my veins and breathe even. I feel pain in my mind when I am trying to sleep. I have all my fragile spine broken, all my memories are broken. They ask me to smile, I can hide all my fears, of course, I can.

I know you want to run. If I could, I would run with you. But wait, this city won’t destroy us.

Avem frageda maduva spinarii, impartita-n spatii cu cutit,

Blestemati sa purtam in spinare, timpul in mii de secole impartit,

Respiratii taiate pana-n pamanturi, ne intalnim in luna si intr-un lac,

Unde seara la sfarsit de viata, ne ingropam cuvintele in veac.

Tu prea trista, obosita-n taina, raspunzi timpului grabit,

Eu mancata de singuratate, n-am nici liniste de apus si rasarit.

Plangem in roua diminetii, ce in soapta cade pe pamant,

Urma ei pe suflet ne tot lasa, amintire noastra si un gand.

Ne luptam in lumi tot diferite, si ne zbatem sa iesim la mal,

Radacini de toamna sufocata, esti spatiul care il mai am.

Si cadem in nostalgia toamnei, ne tot frangem intr-un apus,

Ostenite sa respiram printe cuvinte, sa spunem lumii ce demult n-am spus.

Stillness…

May I say something before I go?

I hold my breath, but you keep breathing. How come?

I’ve sent you my letter many times, anyway’s I think the wind took them. Please take this letter in earnest, because I will never write to you again, and not because I don’t have time, but because I am losing my hope in you, catch me soon. Tonight I am looking at the sky, and I feel how every single star has died in my eyes. I am so afraid that you could die at once with them. So afraid that I will never meet you, even if I said that I don’t believe in you anymore. There are probably many people who ponder this question

“Who are you?”. But what really bothers me is if I will meet you, could you be as in our first moment when we saw each other. Can you be soulful for all your life? The one who can fly, be scared, cry, die and live, who can love. The one who is not afraid to leave his body, his priority, who never will be afraid to breathe once with me, without having anything.

And if you can be real, can you promise me that you will never lie to me, that you will be transparent as a teardrop? Can you promise me that you will never give life to words if you don’t feel them in your veins? Can you promise me that you will never hurt my world?

Under my eyelash, I see the world somber, and I am tired of this cloudy sky, with every single day I am so far from believing in your shadow. I am walking alone on this earth, but I can feel your hand hold mine without any space. I know you will always be next to me, because in the night we reflect on the same moon, in the same sky. And the depth in our soul is a big abyss. I don’t know you but I can feel you, I know that I am falling deeply and slowly in your eyes with every sunset. You live under my skin, in my veins, through my bones. Sometimes you can hurt me and I have, in that place rust. But sometimes you can make me as happy as the sky, I don’t want to open my eyes.

I thought about you last night when lighting cut the sky and the sky started to cry. I saw your eyes, clear in my mind, almost as if you were looking right at me. Your voice was in my mind. Your touch was on my skin, almost like you were holding me close, and I felt under my skin every single touch. And I love how you listened to me when I talk about something, about nothing, about everything.

People complain about this life, and they lose time making themselves busy, they look down instead of looking up to the sky, up…to the sun. The world can’t hurt you if you stop seeing the happiness in the sky, in the world around you. We start to be pieces of a scar, walking every day on the same ground with the same tracks.

May I say something before I go?

It’s been a long time that I cannot breathe.

Mom’, if in someday I won’t find you there, my world will disappear at once with you. Because you are the only one hope in my life that this world can be heal, the only one love, and the only one happiness. Always when I am tired, tired of my scares, of my mornings, of my life, I know immediately that I can run there, with all my soul and I can find you there. There is a different life, silence and love, and just me and you. Can you take me home, mom’? Please? I promise you that I will be so quiet. I don’t want grow up. Stop the time, because it’s hurts.

Don’t ask me how I am in this new life, I will write for you a letter and I will send to you all my feelings, and I will open for you my heart and my soul, but please don’t cry, because I cannot choose the words.

Somebody told me that we don’t choose our life. It’s right, mom ? Because you taught me that we make choices. We can make our life happy or sad, we can control everything, every single moment. We staying beside to our success, to our mistakes, to our sadness, to our happiness. Nobody can make choice in your life, if you don’t let this to happens. Who can be responsible of your life, if not you? Who have to care about your life? But sometimes we can have difficult moment , and in that moment, we thing that we are weary.

I been looking to find my life in every single minutes, and I tried to find the answer, and I will never give up until I will find my way, my way for arrive there.

She said that everyone was born to change the world, to be someone, to be everything.Everyone have a place in this life, have their own place, and when in one morning you will wake up with peace, that means that you find already your way, your place, and who you are in this life.

I am not strong enough how I want to be, but when I am done, I didn’t forget how my mother  taught me to feel this life with my closed eyes.And everything it’s going to be allright.

I don’t know who I am yet, but I know for what i was born, and I am still looking for my answer every single day.

Mom’ can you be there any times when I need you and when I will be looking for you.

Mama, daca te-as fi intrebat intr-o zi,

Ce sunt oamenii, ar fi  trebuit sa-i stiu ?

Caci intalnesc trupuri si hartii,

Se rup atunci cand incerci sa-ii scrii.

Mama, daca te-as fi intrebat intr-o zi,

Cand imi puneai apa la radacina cu copilarii,

Ce-i rasaritul impartit cu noi,

Daca in egal ne iesa unu in loc de doi.

Mama, daca te-as fi intrebat intr-o zi,

Din tot ce invatam, ce anume trebuie sa stim ?

Ca atunci cand nu mai esti,

Sa deschidem sufletele in carti.

Mama, daca te-as fi intrebat intr-o zi,

De ce mai strigam spre ale noastre copilarii,

Si daca este drumul inapoi,

Cu aceleasi carari si chiar aceleasi ploi?

Mama, daca te-as fi intrebat intr-o zi,

Cum sa traiesti corect, tu trebuie sa stii?

Si atunci cand suntem la margine de veac,

Se intampla sa aflam, ca n-aveam leac.