Dear Ocean,
as I hold on my last breath thinking
take my body which I call it home
take my name when I am dead and gone
and throw my existence in the river
so no one will call you the killer
but know that I lived my whole life long
and gave all the love that I could’ve given

but Dear Ocean,
don’t take me
without me living a trace
and don’t take me
if you hear my soul’s voice
and the name of people I love
and don’t take me if you saw
my broken spirit
and don’t take me if you felt
that I was never ready to let me go
and don’t celebrate my death
because if I survive
I’ll write nights and days
about what trace you left in my soul
what bruises you left on my lungs
and the rustic fear that makes my whole body crunch
Because this will never be forgotten
or forgiven

There is something in my veins
and it feels like fire
there’s an ocean cloud over my head
and it feels like I am drowning
The ocean fools me and takes me down to the water
The old waves gonna keep me struggle
and hold me like I was never forgiven
My dreams weren’t ready
to let me go
Telling myself what it feels to hold the peace
in my hands

there ain’t, much time to celebrate my thoughts
puling me back
the ocean himself is celebrating
his winning
couldn’t hide his shame
as I am sinking
and the last hope
keeps saying
that’s not my time
the ocean is pretending that is deaf
I wonder
how many voices had to die in him
asking for help

Tonight, the moon took off her soul for you

In front of my eyes

In front of thousands of starts

We all silently watched how she hanged herself

with a silence rope

the silence within us was screaming so loud

why are we walking on this earth

like we are so proud

of holding our feelings inside of our minds

keep committing so many suicides

of the love that could be born

for the whole world

Dear woman,
I gave you a house
you made it home
I gave you sperm
you made the world
I gave you love
you made it art
I gave you pain
you build the wall
I gave you flowers
you made it garden
I gave you bread
you made it dinner
I gave you a smile
you made it laugh
I gave you fire
you made it light
I gave you tears
you made the rain

You think you know me,
but you don’t know me if you gaze my light
but not the wound I guard inside
One accuses another of everything
but love…
One demands camera, safety whistles,
glue to hold herself together
against the deep and brutal gaze
she won’t give it up
for you.
We only need this lying mirrors
sweeping our bodies with coll white and deflected light
because of what’s lost and left
because language is a disaster
because love does not last
because we rush everything inside us
because we never learned how to wait
for the only touch…
because our species has forgotten
acute angles
painful truth
inner, outer, secret,
on empty, aching temple walls
afterward the residue
what isn’t conscious
everyone is doing it
and only a few people have ever felt alive

Dear daughter,

This morning I wanted to teach you how to meditate. How amazing to find out, that everything I wanted to show you, you already knew.

There is a lot of things going on right now in the world. We are locked in the house, isolated, people are getting sick, or how you like to say ” BOO, BOO”.  A lot of change and unknown, and those two combined could destroy an unconscious human being. Therefore, there is a river of broken energy that the whole world is sending. I know, it shouldn’t be this way, but it is. Therefore, if it can’t be controlled, it needs to be accepted.

As you know, there is a magic trick for BOO, BOO that helps you each time I use it.

Don’t be afraid. I know you are not. But there is a energy in the air, it comes from outside. It can affect each of us. It does not come from me, or you. It comes from people that never found the answer in life, it comes from people that are suffering because of their loss, or mind. That’s why you and I have a small and powerful mission for that.

I trust you. You know how to be present. Everything for you is unknown, and that doesn’t scare you but fascinates you. As you are the pure meaning of life. Life as it is. Life now. You don’t have a psychological clock. You are everything that happens now, and I can tell you the same story about that “little cat” millions of times, it will still fascinate you. What an amazing reflection of the life you are. I know you look up to me. I know you feel each inch of me. I know you know how my heart is biting. I know you see me through your soul’s eyes. I know how you see this little firefly around our heads. I know there isn’t a need to say anything when I hold you. We are fire. We are light. We are an ocean. We are so strong together. I love you as you are, and you love me as I am. Without expectations, without our mind, or body. Your touch goes straight to my soul. Every time I hold you, we celebrate life, and life itself is singing. We laugh until our belly hurts. You cry until you let all out. You want me to sit there in peace when you do, and wait until you get everything out. I do it when you sleep. It’s painful, it is. But it’s a necessary pain.

The whole world right now needs that, needs me and you. The whole world needs a powerful hug. We are so strong together, that every time I hug you my body is burning. You touch the deepest part of my soul. We become that astonishing energy, therefore my dear, we need to send this to the world. We shall no worry who is going to open the window, we are sending it anyway.

Our love is made with God’s hands. There isn’t anything else. That pure love that comes from a river, never ever ending.

Therefore, my dear, I am not afraid. I trust God. I trust you. I trust us and our love. The power of now that sinks in our mind right now, like life itself, this stillness and peace can heal the roots and roots of a broken mind. We are the healing, we are what we need. We have everything, and we have the power to give. We can share this light. And no space, or people, or disease will ever break us because life itself wins. When we start love life, there is not fear.

Love and fear dose do not go together. I know it might be hard to understand at first because your mind will tell you ” but I am afraid to lose it”. When you find that love, feel with the deepest level of life, you’ll understand that you can’t lose anything.

You can’t trust God and love him, and being afraid at the same time.

I am not afraid, and you, my baby, follow my trace. I got you.

Trust me, as I trust you. Follow my energy, together we will send to the whole world, love, stillness, peace. It works every time.

I know you’ll be innocently happy to tell me, ” I love this coronavirus because mommy is always home”, it is true, my dear and I should follow your purest, deepest thought.

There is a lot of pain in the world, we pray and send love for people…

There is a lot of suffer and grief, we pray and send love for people…

There is a lot of isolation and unknown,  we pray and send love for people…

Say it, my dear,

I am love. I am kind. I am light. I am pure energy. I am healthy. I am awake. I am awesome. I am amazing. I am enough. I am strong. I am happy, and of course, you can add as you always do ” I am cute”. 🙂

So people in one day could wake up. We can’t teach them, but we can make space for them. Life gave us a chance now, to seek inside of us the meaning of us and our light. It costs lives, pain, and a lot of suffering. It does. But can we make something beautiful from it? No fear ever changed anything or worrying about something that might happen or not. Instead, love did it all.

with love in my heart,

your mom

until the time you’ll read my letters

Peace.

My grandfather used to tell me every time he had a chance:

“The answer is within you, is all within you”.

We all carry lessons, words, wounds, that at some point in our life they show up.

Everything we are seeking is within us. However, we got this broken society, raising us. Coming to this world, as pure joy, that doesn’t know anything except that we are happy and we enjoy life as it is. No matter what. But, somehow a false wake up call is shaping us and telling us” we must dress this way, we must speak this way, we must learn this way, we must follow the rules, we can’t laugh this way, we need to love this way, we have to have this way” so now we become something else just to fit it. Shaping every day only to fit it. Carrying this on our shoulders, we are trying everything they tell us but this is not making us truly happy.

They tell us to get married, or have kids, or get the perfect job, the biggest house, the funnies, and coolest friends. More hot girlfriends, more clothes, more things. Wait this is not enough. Two or three houses. A yacht. A boat. Fix your nose, fix your lips. Change the way you smile, change the way you speak.

“This is the world we are living in, this is everyone’s map, this is normal therefore, it’s the truth. No one is questioning, if it’s coming from up there, it must be right. Besides that, everyone on social media looks happy, we need all to do the same.”

Little do we know, that is a lie. A broken lie coming from people that are always living in a time that will never exist, FUTURE. A broken lie that is coming from a society that is on autopilot. A broken lie that comes from people that never ever had a clue of who they really are. A broke lie that comes from people that are driven by their ego.

So we try more to fill our time with temporary things, or people, and with that comes a very deep pain. Because we are questioning, why I have it all and I don’t feel the fulfillment, the happiness people post about it?

And in one day, we collapse. Our beautiful houses, our beautiful bodies, our successful careers, our temporary people, or kids that we raised them at the level of our own consciousness, everything is gone because they did not bring us the promised happiness.

What do we do next? We blame our partners, or on our kids, or on our bosses, or maybe we change the light in the house.

And we lose it all. From the suffering that is burning inside of our veins, comes something beautiful if we let that out…

We all are seeking happiness in people, things, future. Without any clue that is in us. And we all are the same. We all can have that. We don’t need anything, as we are made complete. We are not coming in half as they show us in movies. Our problem is that we don’t know who we are. We got caught in our body-mind levels, and we think: this is it, this is who I am.

The truth is there isn’t any truth. There is only us, and we are a energy capable to connect with nature and become it. We are not our mind or body, therefore everything we desired as body or mind will eventually fail.

Because once we seek that deep level of ourselves, which we all have it. We understand what we are. We find peace. We don’t need anything. We are not our ego, our body. There isn’t any more fear. We are not attached to people. We live the life God gave it to us. We live the one life, the strongest, the purest, the lasting. We know that we are capable to love everyone the same way we love ourselves. With that, we build a home in our hearts, we become God in every choice we make. We live every second as it is. We don’t suffer anymore. We accept life as it is. We choose love as the one and forever, and if that love goes away, we keep the same light towards it. We never become hate. We reconnect with the universe, the way we did as when we were kids, and then we discover how a wonderful root of a tree can make us, so happy.

And if we travel this way, and we found ourselves, we become only a light, full of vibrance and energy, and from there, nothing else will matter then life itself.

To seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have. The future and the past is happening now.

Who am I?

Oh, if only that was easy to say. I have days when I know the best who I am. I have days when I lost myself again.

I can tell people for hours and hours who I am not. But even that who knows If it’s the truth.

We are not mean to know who we are. I think this is a process, a life long process. Imagine in one day waking up and thinking “I know who I am”, and then life can ask “ are you out of your mind” life is not ending now. There is more pain, there is more experience, there are more relationships and people that will come and teach you something new, about yourself about others, about life itself.

Anyway.. why is that sometimes when I am alone I truly feel that I know what I am, and when I am with people is different?

What Am I?
Are the spoken words that comes from my mother’s ego, me?

Are my wounds that are screaming inside of my soul walls, scratching everything inside me, is that who I am?

Are the lies I said when my heart was too happy, is what I am?

Or is it my thoughts?
Or the broken hearts I have on my shoulders?
Or how many people I made sad or happy?
Who Am I?
Is the voice inside me, telling people what they want to hear?
Are the words inside of me I never told?
Are the butterflies that trying to take me somewhere where isn’t true?

Or maybe my mistakes, that I make over and over?

Who Am I?

Mommy.Student.Sister, daughter, friend.Coworker. Writer.

Are those things defining me as a person?

What AM I?

I am energy. I found myself. I found what I was looking for. I found ME. And I am in the whole universe.

I am afraid of people I love. I am afraid of being wrong over and over again. I am tired of being strong. I am tired to pretend that I have it all. I don’t. I am full of light. It’s burning inside everything. I am full of wounds, the one that never grew up. I am alone. I love it. I am sensitive, I give love easily and I get hurt. But I give it anyway because this is who I am. I love to be hugged, not by everyone, but the one I choose. I love pain. I love to laugh. This is me, the little girl from my childhood that was laughing, always even when people hurt her. I am still here. I get everything I truly need, not want. I have ink instead of blood. I am born to inhale words. But I always hurt myself by not writing every day. Because when I write my soul is touching the universe in one second what people live in years. I am hungry for books, peace, love, mountains, and silence. And I have something with the woods. Moon is the light that is reflecting on my nights. The starts are always fascinating to me. I’ve been broke, in and out. Currently working on my damaged heart. But somehow managing to get hurt again. When I am awake, my ego is sleeping next to me, he knows that he can’t bother me now. I need to love him and accept him that he will be always here to damage everything so I can fix and learn and cry.

There is a purpose for him in my life, maybe for me to notice him. Isn’t it true? Maybe my ego is so selfish because I never saw him, and now that I do, he wants me to take control of him.
I don’t believe in the idea of owning people’s hearts or having them working on my own happiness. But my ego always wants that.

I believe that kids are therapy for the heart. Their laugh. Oh, my Emily!

I love life!

Right now is all I have, and right now I found my peace.

There is a river of blood that we both start

I came with one intention to build a home and three lives

I never knew

what I was to you

There is a river of tears that we both start

I left you with the intention to break what I never had

I never knew

what I was to you

There is an ocean of hate that you start

You came with a bloody knife to me and my child

I never knew that I’ll get hurt

to protect from a man that promised me a safe life

because I never had a clue

what I was always to you

There is a thunderstorm of gossip that you start

I came with my silence of life I never wished to have

Because, my darling, If I only knew

that you always saw me

like a tool.

There is a book of truth that I start

In one day you’ll read it, and will tear you apart

You’ll scream on the street your kind of truth

And you’ll never change

what I was to you

and you’ll try to run, to escape the truth

from the stitches of lies, you carry in your spine

and you will never, like a curse

see the truth

There are two important things that we all know. Those are, we all suffer and we all can heal.

I’ve met people deeply been through so much pain that while you listening to them your own spine shrinks. Your heart is crying. Your soul is screaming inside.
I’ve met people with wounds intensely hurt to watch.
I’ve met people with a broken soul but full of light, and they never knew how much they can shine.
I’ve met people severely couldn’t get up from bed because the body or the mind was failing.
I’ve met people profoundly are so tired of being strong.
I’ve met people so lost who chose to die or give up.
I’ve met people whose roots were cracking in rust, because of their guilt.
I’ve met people heavily carry so much on their minds, becoming blind.
I’ve met people wildly abused, so your freedom is a luxury.
I’ve met deadly hungry people, which your normal bread is life for you right now.
Be patient, because no matter your pain, we all have rust on our roots. We all suffer, we all are connected.
Some of the people still suffer, and some of them are in the process of healing.
People who choose to suffer are always talking. They will stop you on the street, in the store, at the party. They have this need to interrupt you. They demand your time. Heavily talking about how much they’ve been hurt, always talking about what happened to them, they pick a thing, or an accident or they pick a person, and keep going on this misery, and then they never stop. Those people are blind. Never present. Live in the past. So loud. They are abusing their time, and energy, without having any clue on how is their reflection in our universe. They don’t focus on how to heal or find peace. They want you to know “What didn’t happen, but how they see it.” So the moment they evoke those moments of their problems they all of a sudden feel unhappy, they feel hopeless, they feel sadness.
Now how you think and how you feel creates your state of being so the person’s entire state of being when they start the day is in the past.
So what does that mean? This is what Dr. Joe Dispenza tells you…
It turns out if you acknowledge that emotional reaction it’s called a refractory period to last for hours or days, that’s called a mood.
Say to someone “Hey, what’s up? I’m in my bad mood”. “Why are you in a mood?” “ Well, I had this thing happened to me 5 days ago and I’m having one long emotional reaction.”
If you keep that same emotional reaction going on for weeks or months, that’s called temperament.
Why is he so angry? I don’t know, let’s ask him, Why is he so angry? Why are you angry? Well, I had this thing happen to me 9 months ago.
And if you keep that same emotional reaction going on for years on end, that’s called a personality trait. So learning how to shorten your refractory period of emotional reactions is really where the work starts. So then people, when they have an event what they do, is they keep recalling the event because the emotions of stress hormones’ survival emotions are saying pay attention to what happened because you want to be prepared it happens again.
When you suffer, you never want to blame anyone, and give them this power. You don’t want to be the victim, but sometimes you are. However, the real victim is quite because in silence, stillness they can heal. Victims go through another level of pain. They isolate, they don’t want to tell what happened, because it’s shame, it’s more pain, it’s the real hurt. They don’t have the mind of an abuser, they can’t defend. They don’t want to focus on what happened to them, they just want to heal. They usually step up from the situation, they see their actions, and if you never heard them talking about the situation, or the thing, or person, you know they are in the process of getting peace.

Life is a process of learning how to accept pain and get wiser. Life is a process of loving pain. And there isn’t hate for any process of healing. No hate for you, for them, for what happened. Life is what you make it happen, no matter how many times they hit you with their dirty hands or words. You don’t own a thing, or a word to the world. Let people talk, let people do whatever makes them happy. In the end, what they think they know, they don’t know.