Is within you.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

 

My grandfather used to tell me every time he had a chance:

“The answer is within you, is all within you”.

We all carry lessons, words, wounds, that at some point in our life they show up.

Everything we are seeking is within us. However, we got this broken society, raising us. Coming to this world, as pure joy, that doesn’t know anything except that we are happy and we enjoy life as it is. No matter what. But, somehow a false wake up call is shaping us and telling us” we must dress this way, we must speak this way, we must learn this way, we must follow the rules, we can’t laugh this way, we need to love this way, we have to have this way” so now we become something else just to fit it. Shaping every day only to fit it. Carrying this on our shoulders, we are trying everything they tell us but this is not making us truly happy.

They tell us to get married, or have kids, or get the perfect job, the biggest house, the funnies, and coolest friends. More hot girlfriends, more clothes, more things. Wait this is not enough. Two or three houses. A yacht. A boat. Fix your nose, fix your lips. Change the way you smile, change the way you speak.

“This is the world we are living in, this is everyone’s map, this is normal therefore, it’s the truth. No one is questioning, if it’s coming from up there, it must be right. Besides that, everyone on social media looks happy, we need all to do the same.”

Little do we know, that is a lie. A broken lie coming from people that are always living in a time that will never exist, FUTURE. A broken lie that is coming from a society that is on autopilot. A broken lie that comes from people that never ever had a clue of who they really are. A broke lie that comes from people that are driven by their ego.

So we try more to fill our time with temporary things, or people, and with that comes a very deep pain. Because we are questioning, why I have it all and I don’t feel the fulfillment, the happiness people post about it?

And in one day, we collapse. Our beautiful houses, our beautiful bodies, our successful careers, our temporary people, or kids that we raised them at the level of our own consciousness, everything is gone because they did not bring us the promised happiness.

What do we do next? We blame our partners, or on our kids, or on our bosses, or maybe we change the light in the house.

And we lose it all. From the suffering that is burning inside of our veins, comes something beautiful if we let that out…

We all are seeking happiness in people, things, future. Without any clue that is in us. And we all are the same. We all can have that. We don’t need anything, as we are made complete. We are not coming in half as they show us in movies. Our problem is that we don’t know who we are. We got caught in our body-mind levels, and we think: this is it, this is who I am.

The truth is there isn’t any truth. There is only us, and we are a energy capable to connect with nature and become it. We are not our mind or body, therefore everything we desired as body or mind will eventually fail.

Because once we seek that deep level of ourselves, which we all have it. We understand what we are. We find peace. We don’t need anything. We are not our ego, our body. There isn’t any more fear. We are not attached to people. We live the life God gave it to us. We live the one life, the strongest, the purest, the lasting. We know that we are capable to love everyone the same way we love ourselves. With that, we build a home in our hearts, we become God in every choice we make. We live every second as it is. We don’t suffer anymore. We accept life as it is. We choose love as the one and forever, and if that love goes away, we keep the same light towards it. We never become hate. We reconnect with the universe, the way we did as when we were kids, and then we discover how a wonderful root of a tree can make us, so happy.

And if we travel this way, and we found ourselves, we become only a light, full of vibrance and energy, and from there, nothing else will matter then life itself.

Who Am I?

cropped-dsc0855.jpgTo seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have. The future and the past is happening now.

Who am I?

Oh, if only that was easy to say. I have days when I know the best who I am. I have days when I lost myself again.

I can tell people for hours and hours who I am not. But even that who knows If it’s the truth.

We are not mean to know who we are. I think this is a process, a life long process. Imagine in one day waking up and thinking “I know who I am”, and then life can ask “ are you out of your mind” life is not ending now. There is more pain, there is more experience, there are more relationships and people that will come and teach you something new, about yourself about others, about life itself.

Anyway.. why is that sometimes when I am alone I truly feel that I know what I am, and when I am with people is different?

What Am I?
Are the spoken words that comes from my mother’s ego, me?

Are my wounds that are screaming inside of my soul walls, scratching everything inside me, is that who I am?

Are the lies I said when my heart was too happy, is what I am?

Or is it my thoughts?
Or the broken hearts I have on my shoulders?
Or how many people I made sad or happy?
Who Am I?
Is the voice inside me, telling people what they want to hear?
Are the words inside of me I never told?
Are the butterflies that trying to take me somewhere where isn’t true?

Or maybe my mistakes, that I make over and over?

Who Am I?

Mommy.Student.Sister, daughter, friend.Coworker. Writer.

Are those things defining me as a person?

What AM I?

I am energy. I found myself. I found what I was looking for. I found ME. And I am in the whole universe.

I am afraid of people I love. I am afraid of being wrong over and over again. I am tired of being strong. I am tired to pretend that I have it all. I don’t. I am full of light. It’s burning inside everything. I am full of wounds, the one that never grew up. I am alone. I love it. I am sensitive, I give love easily and I get hurt. But I give it anyway because this is who I am. I love to be hugged, not by everyone, but the one I choose. I love pain. I love to laugh. This is me, the little girl from my childhood that was laughing, always even when people hurt her. I am still here. I get everything I truly need, not want. I have ink instead of blood. I am born to inhale words. But I always hurt myself by not writing every day. Because when I write my soul is touching the universe in one second what people live in years. I am hungry for books, peace, love, mountains, and silence. And I have something with the woods. Moon is the light that is reflecting on my nights. The starts are always fascinating to me. I’ve been broke, in and out. Currently working on my damaged heart. But somehow managing to get hurt again. When I am awake, my ego is sleeping next to me, he knows that he can’t bother me now. I need to love him and accept him that he will be always here to damage everything so I can fix and learn and cry.

There is a purpose for him in my life, maybe for me to notice him. Isn’t it true? Maybe my ego is so selfish because I never saw him, and now that I do, he wants me to take control of him.
I don’t believe in the idea of owning people’s hearts or having them working on my own happiness. But my ego always wants that.

I believe that kids are therapy for the heart. Their laugh. Oh, my Emily!

I love life!

Right now is all I have, and right now I found my peace.

what’s truth?

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There is a river of blood that we both start

I came with one intention to build a home and three lives

I never knew

what I was to you

There is a river of tears that we both start

I left you with the intention to break what I never had

I never knew

what I was to you

There is an ocean of hate that you start

You came with a bloody knife to me and my child

I never knew that I’ll get hurt

to protect from a man that promised me a safe life

because I never had a clue

what I was always to you

There is a thunderstorm of gossip that you start

I came with my silence of life I never wished to have

Because, my darling, If I only knew

that you always saw me

like a tool.

There is a book of truth that I start

In one day you’ll read it, and will tear you apart

You’ll scream on the street your kind of truth

And you’ll never change

what I was to you

and you’ll try to run, to escape the truth

from the stitches of lies, you carry in your spine

and you will never, like a curse

see the truth

 

 

Hate doesn’t Heal

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There are two important things that we all know. Those are, we all suffer and we all can heal.

I’ve met people deeply been through so much pain that while you listening to them your own spine shrinks. Your heart is crying. Your soul is screaming inside.
I’ve met people with wounds intensely hurt to watch.
I’ve met people with a broken soul but full of light, and they never knew how much they can shine.
I’ve met people severely couldn’t get up from bed because the body or the mind was failing.
I’ve met people profoundly are so tired of being strong.
I’ve met people so lost who chose to die or give up.
I’ve met people whose roots were cracking in rust, because of their guilt.
I’ve met people heavily carry so much on their minds, becoming blind.
I’ve met people wildly abused, so your freedom is a luxury.
I’ve met deadly hungry people, which your normal bread is life for you right now.
Be patient, because no matter your pain, we all have rust on our roots. We all suffer, we all are connected.
Some of the people still suffer, and some of them are in the process of healing.
People who choose to suffer are always talking. They will stop you on the street, in the store, at the party. They have this need to interrupt you. They demand your time. Heavily talking about how much they’ve been hurt, always talking about what happened to them, they pick a thing, or an accident or they pick a person, and keep going on this misery, and then they never stop. Those people are blind. Never present. Live in the past. So loud. They are abusing their time, and energy, without having any clue on how is their reflection in our universe. They don’t focus on how to heal or find peace. They want you to know “What didn’t happen, but how they see it.” So the moment they evoke those moments of their problems they all of a sudden feel unhappy, they feel hopeless, they feel sadness.
Now how you think and how you feel creates your state of being so the person’s entire state of being when they start the day is in the past.
So what does that mean? This is what Dr. Joe Dispenza tells you…
It turns out if you acknowledge that emotional reaction it’s called a refractory period to last for hours or days, that’s called a mood.
Say to someone “Hey, what’s up? I’m in my bad mood”. “Why are you in a mood?” “ Well, I had this thing happened to me 5 days ago and I’m having one long emotional reaction.”
If you keep that same emotional reaction going on for weeks or months, that’s called temperament.
Why is he so angry? I don’t know, let’s ask him, Why is he so angry? Why are you angry? Well, I had this thing happen to me 9 months ago.
And if you keep that same emotional reaction going on for years on end, that’s called a personality trait. So learning how to shorten your refractory period of emotional reactions is really where the work starts. So then people, when they have an event what they do, is they keep recalling the event because the emotions of stress hormones’ survival emotions are saying pay attention to what happened because you want to be prepared it happens again.
When you suffer, you never want to blame anyone, and give them this power. You don’t want to be the victim, but sometimes you are. However, the real victim is quite because in silence, stillness they can heal. Victims go through another level of pain. They isolate, they don’t want to tell what happened, because it’s shame, it’s more pain, it’s the real hurt. They don’t have the mind of an abuser, they can’t defend. They don’t want to focus on what happened to them, they just want to heal. They usually step up from the situation, they see their actions, and if you never heard them talking about the situation, or the thing, or person, you know they are in the process of getting peace.

Life is a process of learning how to accept pain and get wiser. Life is a process of loving pain. And there isn’t hate for any process of healing. No hate for you, for them, for what happened. Life is what you make it happen, no matter how many times they hit you with their dirty hands or words. You don’t own a thing, or a word to the world. Let people talk, let people do whatever makes them happy. In the end, what they think they know, they don’t know.

On Sundays she wakes me up, to make sure it’s me.

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In this house where you holding secrets
Are these the walls of a broken house?

show me the parts of you
you are not that proud of
because I’ve seen and I’ve seen you
and I could watch you for the rest of my days
Tell me that every time you touch me
you feel my pain
deep down where my roots are
everything inside of me is screaming
everything inside of me is alive
everything inside of me is living
the best softly painful life
Tell me how you have the same stitches
on our blind hearts that promise not to fail us
no one will ever find out how we broke our first promise
just tell me what you want me to feel
just tell me what I am supposed to feel
Tell me how you love me
because your art is killing me softly
the way you kiss me between
the way you feel me, stay still
they way you slowly count time
the way you measure my breath each time
don’t let that get away from you

Tell me what you never said out loud
say my name
but shh, don’t tell the world
They would take me from your fingers
Or they would try, they would try
until we both give up
on what we wished to have

Free

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Aren’t we suppose to be free?
That free as no change can hurt us
And the power of now
Sinks in our mind
Million of times

Aren’t we suppose to be free?
That free as our bones hurts
Because we never stopped running

Aren’t we suppose to be free?
So free as no house can tell us
Where and when we feel like home

 

 

 

picture:”Silent ghosts”by laura-makabresku  

No evidence on her body.

d33dtde-72ec72c7-e6a7-4a79-ad9c-87c2721c3f19For those of us who chose to stay silent
and their truths hurts us more
because it’s a lie
For those of us who’s story was never heard
Because nobody ever cares to ask

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children’s mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
afraid we will be misunderstood

For those of us who reached for help
without the rights to protect ourselves
Blamed that this was a selfish way
If you chose your life in anyway

For those of us whose body got bruises
and those without marks, and are no way to prove it
With wounds that are screaming each night before sleep
Trying to hide all we can, down, deep
Afraid of the vulnerability the world could see
Afraid that we won’t ever be free.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I changed the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” –Rumi.

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There are few important things I’ve learned this year.

  1. Life is not easy.
  2. Love your life in any aspect. Love the fact you failed or won. Love everything about you. Love your pain. Love your silly laugh. Love the fact you wake up 3 times at night. Love!
  3. Don’t fight your feelings. Know that your feelings are not you. Watch your feelings each time they come and play on your garden soul, watch them carefully and let them do it. Once you accept them you’ll see how their effect changed.
  4. Choose yourself first.

  5. Hug people with love and positive energy.

  6. Some of us carry trauma, if you don’t heal that wound, life will bring that back.

  7. Love is dedication, love is kind, is a full time job that no one gets paid. I’ll have to work on that.

  8. It’s up to you how you let people treat you.

  9. Don’t let anyone take your freedom and independence, not matter how big their comfort is.

  10. Being a mother is the hardest job ever, but the fact you raise a human, makes me feel unstoppable.

  11. Leave the house that has no love and build another one.

  12. There are times in your life when you’ll hit the bottom, when nights and days will fight, when your soul will be wounded, almost dead. In that time keep a window clean to watch who is coming with help.

  13. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself because you allow them to hurt you. Because you loved to much or you didn’t. Forgive yourself because they left you. Forgive the pain and stress that dose not let you sleep. Forgive the mornings you never wanted to wake up. Forgive the tiredness that makes you blind. Forgive that no one asked you how you really feel. Forgive that people blame it on you. Forgive the fact no one showed you how to stop the circle of abuse. Forgive your parents who carried the same trauma and gave the same to you. Forgive that you chose abuse. Forgive that your daughter saw it all. Forgive yourself that you decided to leave forever.

  14. Be proud of all the things you handled. Be proud of who you are no matter of the assumptions. Be proud of you.

  15. No matter what you have, there is always YOU, a person that can handle each dark side of the life. Don’t lose that.

  16. And the big lesson is I began to ask each time: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell the truth? Our speaking out will irritate some people, get us called bitchy or hypersensitive and disrupt some dinner parties. And then our speaking out will permit other women to speak, until laws are changed and lives are saved and the world is altered forever.Next time, ask: What’s the worst that will happen? Then push yourself a little further than you dare. Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal. And the world won’t end. And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your nails, dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.

  17. People will always hurt you. Push you. Cheat on you. Beat you. And then blame all on you. You have two choices, one is to protect you and the second one is to forgive them. Because your peace won’t make them happy either, but what they think and feel is not your job.
    II have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

If anyone will ever ask me, would you change anything? I will truly say: I won’t!
My perspective of life might be different, but I’ll chose the same way. Life is what I chose to happen, and I understand that there is always pain, there is always dissatisfaction, disappointment, but those things, those people made me chose the life I want from now on. Thankful to everything what happened in my life I can see, appreciate, chose life, love and kindness. I forgive everyone that with the intention or not, chose to hurt me.
Peace and love to everyone.And yes, one important thing, Emily she is the purest soul on this earth!

 

A letter to my daughter, the one I wished to receive from my mother.

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A letter to my daughter, the one I wished to receive from my mother, and the one my mother wished to receive from hers, because there weren’t times for that .”

I am here for you, any time, and all the time you need. Forever. Just call me “mom”, and I’ll stay as long you want me to stay. I will shine over you, be you, be me.
I know how you feel each inch of me. You know me, as you created me and I created you. I know when you don’t sleep at night.
I can’t hide how I feel, it’s not easy to hide anything from you as you see me with the purest eye of your soul. We are a bond of energy that only survives together. Our love is beyond the earth, sky, people. Our love will last for decades, for decades my darling!I promise this hug, this hug right now heals my root, my wounds. There is your energy that is responding to mine, you and me. We are providing a two way street energy.

I’ll protect you over and over again because I made this promise to the universe, to life!
I’ll be a wall that never breaks
I’ll be your light when there is no one
I’ll walk with you in the darkness if there is
I’ll be your source of energy and happiness
I’ll teach you how to forgive and walk away
I’ll teach you how to love again
I’ll cry with you when you want to cry
I’ll be strong when you want to be weak
I’ll hold you close whenever you want
I’ll heal your pain when your bones hurts
I’ll suffer in silence so you can’t see
I’ll be whatever you want me to be
I’ll carry you all day and all night
I’ll never tell you how tired my body is
I’ll play with you and be surprised
To everything you call life
I’ll chose you over them all
And I’ll chose me to teach what’s self love

Because you are love, you are love my daughter and love never breaks. Listen to people, everyone has something to say but no everything is important. Don’t hold on things, feelings, or people. None of them, defines who you really are. You’ll see through the life when all of them collapse.Be there and allow to happen, and leave as soon it dose not feel right. Always, but always choose you. Because through you you can give life.Love life the way I love you. Love this life. Dance, sing, cry, laugh, fall. I’ll watch you with patience my baby.Look at the life the way I look at you every morning.
Wake up your life the way you wake me up 🙂!
I’ll teach you everything I missed. Or we will learn everything together. Chose love, no matter what. Never give all of you. Never give up on your independence even if comfort sounds like a lot of fun. Always keep clean your part of the bedside. Take time for yourself, often. Don’t compromise. Know your respect.
Be modest. Be elegant. Be you. Don’t let the society to influence you.
Under my arm I’ll always protect you, and teach you how you need to protect yourself.
And today, no matter how much pain I carry, know that holding you in my arms, my soul is healing. Know that our love is powerful. Know that there is magic in life. And know how grateful I am. Everything I need is you being happy. We are blessed my love, very blessed.

Blind lovers

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so tell me what your love feels like

when you have a blind heart

happy or sad?

sad

-but it will break your heart

-already broke

Let me sleep in

I am tired of my misery

And I would like you

To love me

but give it to me

everything at once

so there isn’t time for me to remember

who you are not

This is the night when these woods breathe

my past is eating me from the inside

could you please stay silent for once

oh, and baby, there is no future between us

numb my pain as you will never understand it

Turn down these noises inside my head

Lay down with me tell me no lies

and wait.

 

 

picture: “Long evenings in my room.” by laura-makabresku