No evidence on her body.

d33dtde-72ec72c7-e6a7-4a79-ad9c-87c2721c3f19For those of us who chose to stay silent
and their truths hurts us more
because it’s a lie
For those of us who’s story was never heard
Because nobody ever cares to ask

For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children’s mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:

For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother’s milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.

And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
afraid we will be misunderstood

For those of us who reached for help
without the rights to protect ourselves
Blamed that this was a selfish way
If you chose your life in anyway

For those of us whose body got bruises
and those without marks, and are no way to prove it
With wounds that are screaming each night before sleep
Trying to hide all we can, down, deep
Afraid of the vulnerability the world could see
Afraid that we won’t ever be free.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I changed the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” –Rumi.

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There are few important things I’ve learned this year.

  1. Life is not easy.
  2. Love your life in any aspect. Love the fact you failed or won. Love everything about you. Love your pain. Love your silly laugh. Love the fact you wake up 3 times at night. Love!
  3. Don’t fight your feelings. Know that your feelings are not you. Watch your feelings each time they come and play on your garden soul, watch them carefully and let them do it. Once you accept them you’ll see how their effect changed.
  4. Choose yourself first.

  5. Hug people with love and positive energy.

  6. Some of us carry trauma, if you don’t heal that wound, life will bring that back.

  7. Love is dedication, love is kind, is a full time job that no one gets paid. I’ll have to work on that.

  8. It’s up to you how you let people treat you.

  9. Don’t let anyone take your freedom and independence, not matter how big their comfort is.

  10. Being a mother is the hardest job ever, but the fact you raise a human, makes me feel unstoppable.

  11. Leave the house that has no love and build another one.

  12. There are times in your life when you’ll hit the bottom, when nights and days will fight, when your soul will be wounded, almost dead. In that time keep a window clean to watch who is coming with help.

  13. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself because you allow them to hurt you. Because you loved to much or you didn’t. Forgive yourself because they left you. Forgive the pain and stress that dose not let you sleep. Forgive the mornings you never wanted to wake up. Forgive the tiredness that makes you blind. Forgive that no one asked you how you really feel. Forgive that people blame it on you. Forgive the fact no one showed you how to stop the circle of abuse. Forgive your parents who carried the same trauma and gave the same to you. Forgive that you chose abuse. Forgive that your daughter saw it all. Forgive yourself that you decided to leave forever.

  14. Be proud of all the things you handled. Be proud of who you are no matter of the assumptions. Be proud of you.

  15. No matter what you have, there is always YOU, a person that can handle each dark side of the life. Don’t lose that.

  16. And the big lesson is I began to ask each time: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell the truth? Our speaking out will irritate some people, get us called bitchy or hypersensitive and disrupt some dinner parties. And then our speaking out will permit other women to speak, until laws are changed and lives are saved and the world is altered forever.Next time, ask: What’s the worst that will happen? Then push yourself a little further than you dare. Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal. And the world won’t end. And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your nails, dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.

  17. People will always hurt you. Push you. Cheat on you. Beat you. And then blame all on you. You have two choices, one is to protect you and the second one is to forgive them. Because your peace won’t make them happy either, but what they think and feel is not your job.
    II have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

If anyone will ever ask me, would you change anything? I will truly say: I won’t!
My perspective of life might be different, but I’ll chose the same way. Life is what I chose to happen, and I understand that there is always pain, there is always dissatisfaction, disappointment, but those things, those people made me chose the life I want from now on. Thankful to everything what happened in my life I can see, appreciate, chose life, love and kindness. I forgive everyone that with the intention or not, chose to hurt me.
Peace and love to everyone.And yes, one important thing, Emily she is the purest soul on this earth!

 

A letter to my daughter, the one I wished to receive from my mother.

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A letter to my daughter, the one I wished to receive from my mother, and the one my mother wished to receive from hers, because there weren’t times for that .”

I am here for you, any time, and all the time you need. Forever. Just call me “mom”, and I’ll stay as long you want me to stay. I will shine over you, be you, be me.
I know how you feel each inch of me. You know me, as you created me and I created you. I know when you don’t sleep at night.
I can’t hide how I feel, it’s not easy to hide anything from you as you see me with the purest eye of your soul. We are a bond of energy that only survives together. Our love is beyond the earth, sky, people. Our love will last for decades, for decades my darling!I promise this hug, this hug right now heals my root, my wounds. There is your energy that is responding to mine, you and me. We are providing a two way street energy.

I’ll protect you over and over again because I made this promise to the universe, to life!
I’ll be a wall that never breaks
I’ll be your light when there is no one
I’ll walk with you in the darkness if there is
I’ll be your source of energy and happiness
I’ll teach you how to forgive and walk away
I’ll teach you how to love again
I’ll cry with you when you want to cry
I’ll be strong when you want to be weak
I’ll hold you close whenever you want
I’ll heal your pain when your bones hurts
I’ll suffer in silence so you can’t see
I’ll be whatever you want me to be
I’ll carry you all day and all night
I’ll never tell you how tired my body is
I’ll play with you and be surprised
To everything you call life
I’ll chose you over them all
And I’ll chose me to teach what’s self love

Because you are love, you are love my daughter and love never breaks. Listen to people, everyone has something to say but no everything is important. Don’t hold on things, feelings, or people. None of them, defines who you really are. You’ll see through the life when all of them collapse.Be there and allow to happen, and leave as soon it dose not feel right. Always, but always choose you. Because through you you can give life.Love life the way I love you. Love this life. Dance, sing, cry, laugh, fall. I’ll watch you with patience my baby.Look at the life the way I look at you every morning.
Wake up your life the way you wake me up 🙂!
I’ll teach you everything I missed. Or we will learn everything together. Chose love, no matter what. Never give all of you. Never give up on your independence even if comfort sounds like a lot of fun. Always keep clean your part of the bedside. Take time for yourself, often. Don’t compromise. Know your respect.
Be modest. Be elegant. Be you. Don’t let the society to influence you.
Under my arm I’ll always protect you, and teach you how you need to protect yourself.
And today, no matter how much pain I carry, know that holding you in my arms, my soul is healing. Know that our love is powerful. Know that there is magic in life. And know how grateful I am. Everything I need is you being happy. We are blessed my love, very blessed.

Blind lovers

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so tell me what your love feels like

when you have a blind heart

happy or sad?

sad

-but it will break your heart

-already broke

Let me sleep in

I am tired of my misery

And I would like you

To love me

but give it to me

everything at once

so there isn’t time for me to remember

who you are not

This is the night when these woods breathe

my past is eating me from the inside

could you please stay silent for once

oh, and baby, there is no future between us

numb my pain as you will never understand it

Turn down these noises inside my head

Lay down with me tell me no lies

and wait.

 

 

picture: “Long evenings in my room.” by laura-makabresku

Don’t fall in love with a writer.

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Don’t fall in love with a writer
because you’ll never find a way to survive,
In this love that has no eyes.
We don’t love bodies
for the sake of their shape
we take each inch of them
until their bones
and feel them in thousands of words
in hundreds of books
we love you with the deepest part
we inhale you
we take you to our roots
we give you your eternity of you
we take you as you
the one that you don’t know that exist
and when we love,
we love you in anyways, that our veins hurt
with fire, with honesty

But…

Don’t fall in love with a writer
because we will spend a lifetime
trying to find the perfect way,
to describe how you left us
In anyway

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will torture your spirit
without even going there.
that you’ll never keep the sparkle
under the light of a thousand stars

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will hang you up on the moon
while every star is watching
and tell the universe about the feeling of your touch
and about the butterflies that you created in our veins
And then we will tell with sadness
how you destroyed every centimeter of them
we will endure you under the sun
so you get burn with every word
that finishes in ” I don’t”.

Don’t fall in love with a writer
because if you tear our soul
we will be drowning in silence
until your ears go deaf
we’ll use our revenge
and our grief
and the explosion of them both
to make swords of all the words you said
we will take the blood you lost
and paint everything that is yours
to leave you with a reminder of what you did

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will suck your blood and use instead of ink
until you got nothing to give
and send to people you loved
as a beautiful memory of your soul

Do not fall in love with a writer
because once we are destroyed
the world will see the damage you can cause
the bruises left on lips
the tear-stained cheeks
the bones you broke
the lies we carry on our spine
the empty holes in our skin that you’ve touched
the dark cycle under eyes
the sadness in our words

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will keep you walking on our immortal heart
every night
until your tissues aches
to show you what it means
to use and play with our words
and each word will be saved in our draft
but you’ll never survive from our box of trash.

The rhapsody of rain.

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Pour some rain on my wounds

Deep down on my river full of scars,

Pour life on ends that never woke up

Deep down in my soul wound

Turn on the music of this rain

Make it loud, so loud

That you will never hear again

How my soul is screaming from pain

Pour life on my dead hopes

Deep down to the routs of childhood

If you touch me there,

The world can go deaf and blind

Turn on this music of rain

I promise you’ll wake the numb part

Numbed for years

Because no one was there.

Rain is coming always to save me.

Pour some life on my wounds

Let the rain wash it all

Only if the pain could faster

Go, go away

Nothing that I know

Is true,

Is this pain clearly seen through?

 

picture : LaGrebbe

The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.

“The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” – JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE

 

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If we are lonely when we are alone, we are in bad company. And that’s when we need to change the direction of our thoughts, soul, life.

It’s beautiful to be alone. It’s peaceful, it’s right. It is normal, and it’s important.

Most of the time, we are so afraid to be alone. Sitting, sleeping, eating, walking… or doing anything or nothing with ourselves..we feel uncomfortable, something is not right. Because we have beliefs, wrong ideas about what life is and what makes us happy. Who taught us ever that being alone is healthy for our mind, body, and soul?
Because our roots are dirty with the beliefs, wrong beliefs about life, we are feeling abandoned, or not important, if we are alone. So we start looking, for moments, for adventures, for anyone, anything, whatever comes. We start losing ourselves in the new feelings that could numb the old ones. But it’s never enough. We hang on anything that occurs in our way, but none of that we truly need.

I took a break today, I disconnected from anything. It was me, 10 miles biking. I could pay attention to how I breathe, what my mind is telling about what I see. I could make my own decision to stop or not. I listened to myself and my own reflection in our nature. I was looking at what I am and what nature is. We both connect so deeply.
Coming back I understood that I took something from this trip. Nature welcomed my soul and let me go. How simple. The same way, with us. People.

Don’t hold people in your life if you don’t need them, let them in and out, the same way nature does to us.
I never realized that everything I am is enough, and how much beauty can come from being alone.

I always thought that being alone means being unhappy, it was a  comment as simply a word game — clever but ultimately false at its core.  It’s taken many years to finally understand the truth. We are never so alone as when we are lost, unfulfilled in our dreams and visions, and untrusting in our own inner counsel.

come back…to me..to you!

 

imagine :Reflections at Drum Bridge

The silence of moonlight.

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As I started to walk endlessly from you in the moonlight,
I understood:
I was never good at goodbyes.
I could feel something under my bones,
Just hurting to take a last look.
I had an intense desire to see if you were still there.
After I voluntarily uncovered my injured soul to you,
Bitter at such an early stage,
To see a bandaged innocent soul.

So I looked behind me.

I concluded why I looked into your eyes :
Your dark eyes were so mysterious,
So gentle and inviting that my heart melted.
I was trying to look deep into your thoughts,
Deep into your mind,
Trying to see what was in your heart.
But I could find many things that could make me shake.
And what hypnotized me most was that
You were looking at me in the same passion.

So I stopped and turned fully around.

I kept thinking to myself:
Why can’t I find someone like you?
You’re unusual than the rest of them.
Would it be too weird?
I can’t do this to you, can I?

What made me let go of my past and have a future:
It’s like you were holding a mirror approaching me
So the reflection of the moon,
Could get through the broken parts of me,
And shine.

I walked away, but he held my hands and whispered:

Takes a lot of energy to stay that profoundly beautiful and to glow over that much darkness, as the moon does.
Or you!

“Imagine by Laura M.”

How little you know about happiness, you comfortable people.

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Happiness depends on ourselves, simple as that. OK. You didn’t get it. Say it again. And again. And again. You’ll get it eventually.

I’ll never understand, why we want to be so much loved if we are not able to love ourselves enough to be happy. I’ll never understand why do we think that we are not enough to live this life alone.

There is a short answer, that no one wants to agree with. “You don’t love yourself”.

Why people walking on this life feel broke, unhappy, disappointed, miserable, lonely? Why do they keep having this hope that there is a happy ending story waiting for them and the only one who can change whatever they feel is their soulmate?

Meeting your soulmate it’s a really special moment. You always want to shine on your dates. Don’t you? And if you are having an empty heart, hollow body, numb soul, and if behind your eyes there is more darkness than a blind man can see, if you soul bleeds every night when you go sleep. Do you really want to share a bead full of pain? Behind your fake smile, you become a vampire that is ready to suck all the life from your soulmate. You’ll kill him/her even if you lie that its love.

A love story, because of the intensity of feelings, presents to you your most raw and vulnerable. You get down to the heart of yourself. It’s not pretty. It’s not happy. It’s not bright and shiny. it’s messy. And it’s painful. And it’s an identity crisis. A mirror showing you every part of yourself you’re ashamed of, that you hate about yourself, that you wish you could hide away. It’s nakedness. It’s beautiful. And it’s miserable.

Date yourself, take yourself for dinner, for a dance, for a movie, for long, but long walks. Find out what you enjoy to do. Cry and look at you from the corner that no one looks. Laugh so bad that people around you will call you crazy. Dance so deep, as your bones make love to your muscle. Teach yourself, something new, every single day. Take long, but long walks that your feet hurt. Don’t say anything for a day, week, see how that feels. Forgive yourself. Do it again, and again. So you create a connection, so you feel butterfly every morning when you look in the mirror. Talk to you, ask why, how, and when. Make love to you, spiritually and physically. See what is your extreme, where you want to be touched, how you want to be. Create that connection that whoever comes in your life will never be able to unplug it. Whoever comes in your life will become a guest to admire your own paradise, and you will welcome it with a wised heart, patience soul, and the same way you’ll let them go, knowing always that happiness is only about you. 

You don’t need anyone to be  happy, but you might want to share your light, your ocean of art that lives in your veins, you might want to share the beautiful, innocent smile, you might want to share and give in a pure way, a little bit from love that you have for yourself.

Before meeting the one, you already should carry a tremendously heavy soul, full with love, isn’t that how you are gonna give it? Do not give it all, and people that want all of you, they are unhappy people that will dry your inspirations, that will unplug you from your soul. Run from them, as soon as they ask all of you.

When you love yourself, there is a neverending river inside of your blood, there is so much energy around your body, that you’ll never get bored, alone, or sad. Imagine yourself as you are the man/woman you always dreamed of, then why would you be so sad with yourself? I know it’s the way we were built with this wrong illusion that at a certain point you’ll win it all. It doesn’t like this, it never did.

Happiness is not in the heart of the best relationship you ever had, or in the luxury things you own, is just an art of your own soul. We all can have it.

 

 

 

 

 

To my fingers’symphony, or Piano’Soul.

Piano Man by Slinkster-Bat

There is such a piano epidemy that no one wants to talk about, just a few people survive. We don’t choose them, this mysterious instrument chooses us. Once is in your blood, your life is poised with a forever art, that can’t be healed. We all have a piano inside of our soul, but not all of us can go so deep and see.

I met a Piano’s soul last night . I have this feeling that I met him in another life. My soul recognizes him. His fingers makes love with the piano. There is not need to be jealous. Some people can’t hear the screams of his soul, as it is a background that he is trying to cover with the music he makes. Wait, is not just music. Is a way for his soul to heal, clean, love, find the peace. He has tied piano strings to his heart so that every time it beat it didn’t sound so empty inside. As soon he is there, playing it, there is not a body anymore, or this world living whatsoever, there is his naked soul, fragile, crying, screaming. He feels cold, hot, lost, fulfilled, there is a life that he is giving to his piano’s soul. Each key is an emotion, a life that he makes, healing sound for the ears of his heart, deep feelings of him. He will start soft, like summer rain, or gentle as a kiss under the moonlight, but he’ll always end as a storm, harsh words, so deep as you watch two bodies on fire, feeling each inch of the love he makes it. He can’t take half, he wants it all.  For each note ended broken, and every key was abused, loved, pressed too hard. His soul riched the sky.

Can you feel the silence of his own exhausted breath, and can you feel how his piano is resting with him in this dark and empty room? Do you hear the echoes of the walls that can’t talk, still can feel?

I’ll learn how to listen to his silence between his innocent smile, and make my own story. Not sure if it feels good to know that this story is gonna be here forever.

Shhh..don’t say anything. We all create art in our own ways. Just close your eyes and watch with me, everything they can’t see, listen and feel it.

Close your eyes, God knows how much space is between his souls.

His eyes are like full moon on late September, with sadness in the corner that no one looks. His eyes are just a clean mirror of his soul, a deep ocean after a storm trying to calm down. Looking into them is like making art. Would he be able to keep the sparkle from his eyes forever? This ocean of him that no one learns how to swim. Would I be able to see him forever, the way I saw him this night ?

I am not afraid that it won’t happen,

I am afraid that will happened and past

As sometimes a star just falls and extinguish.