Autumn's Soul

In this house where you holding secrets
Are these the walls of a broken house?

show me the parts of you
you are not that proud of
because I’ve seen and I’ve seen you
and I could watch you for the rest of my days
Tell me that every time you touch me
you feel my pain
deep down where my roots are
everything inside of me is screaming
everything inside of me is alive
everything inside of me is living
the best softly painful life
Tell me how you have the same stitches
on our blind hearts that promise not to fail us
no one will ever find out how we broke our first promise
just tell me what you want me to feel
just tell me what I am supposed to feel
Tell me how you love me
because your art is killing me softly
the way you kiss me between
the way you feel me, stay still
they way you slowly count time
the way you measure my breath each time
don’t let that get away from you

Tell me what you never said out loud
say my name
but shh, don’t tell the world
They would take me from your fingers
Or they would try, they would try
until we both give up
on what we wished to have

Aren’t we suppose to be free?
That free as no change can hurt us
And the power of now
Sinks in our mind
Million of times

picture:”Silent ghosts”by laura-makabresku  

For those of us who chose to stay silent
and their truths hurts us more
because it’s a lie
For those of us who’s story was never heard
Because nobody ever cares to ask

There are few important things I’ve learned this year.

1. Life is not easy.
2. Love your life in any aspect. Love the fact you failed or won. Love everything about you. Love your pain. Love your silly laugh. Love the fact you wake up 3 times at night. Love!
3. Don’t fight your feelings. Know that your feelings are not you. Watch your feelings each time they come and play on your garden soul, watch them carefully and let them do it. Once you accept them you’ll see how their effect changed.

4. Choose yourself first.

5. Hug people with love and positive energy.

6. Some of us carry trauma, if you don’t heal that wound, life will bring that back.

7. Love is dedication, love is kind, is a full time job that no one gets paid. I’ll have to work on that.

8. It’s up to you how you let people treat you.

9. Don’t let anyone take your freedom and independence, not matter how big their comfort is.

10. Being a mother is the hardest job ever, but the fact you raise a human, makes me feel unstoppable.

11. Leave the house that has no love and build another one.

12. There are times in your life when you’ll hit the bottom, when nights and days will fight, when your soul will be wounded, almost dead. In that time keep a window clean to watch who is coming with help.

13. Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself because you allow them to hurt you. Because you loved to much or you didn’t. Forgive yourself because they left you. Forgive the pain and stress that dose not let you sleep. Forgive the mornings you never wanted to wake up. Forgive the tiredness that makes you blind. Forgive that no one asked you how you really feel. Forgive that people blame it on you. Forgive the fact no one showed you how to stop the circle of abuse. Forgive your parents who carried the same trauma and gave the same to you. Forgive that you chose abuse. Forgive that your daughter saw it all. Forgive yourself that you decided to leave forever.

14. Be proud of all the things you handled. Be proud of who you are no matter of the assumptions. Be proud of you.

15. No matter what you have, there is always YOU, a person that can handle each dark side of the life. Don’t lose that.

16. And the big lesson is I began to ask each time: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell the truth? Our speaking out will irritate some people, get us called bitchy or hypersensitive and disrupt some dinner parties. And then our speaking out will permit other women to speak, until laws are changed and lives are saved and the world is altered forever.Next time, ask: What’s the worst that will happen? Then push yourself a little further than you dare. Once you start to speak, people will yell at you. They will interrupt you, put you down and suggest it’s personal. And the world won’t end. And the speaking will get easier and easier. And you will find you have fallen in love with your own vision, which you may never have realized you had. And you will lose some friends and lovers, and realize you don’t miss them. And new ones will find you and cherish you. And you will still flirt and paint your nails, dress up and party, because, as I think Emma Goldman said, “If I can’t dance, I don’t want to be part of your revolution.” And at last you’ll know with surpassing certainty that only one thing is more frightening than speaking your truth. And that is not speaking.

17. People will always hurt you. Push you. Cheat on you. Beat you. And then blame all on you. You have two choices, one is to protect you and the second one is to forgive them. Because your peace won’t make them happy either, but what they think and feel is not your job.
    II have come to believe over and over again that what is most important to me must be spoken, and shared, even at the risk of having it bruised or misunderstood.

If anyone will ever ask me, would you change anything? I will truly say: I won’t!
My perspective of life might be different, but I’ll chose the same way. Life is what I chose to happen, and I understand that there is always pain, there is always dissatisfaction, disappointment, but those things, those people made me chose the life I want from now on. Thankful to everything what happened in my life I can see, appreciate, chose life, love and kindness. I forgive everyone that with the intention or not, chose to hurt me.
Peace and love to everyone.And yes, one important thing, Emily she is the purest soul on this earth!

A letter to my daughter, the one I wished to receive from my mother, and the one my mother wished to receive from hers, because there weren’t times for that .”

so tell me what your love feels like

when you have a blind heart

happy or sad?

sad

-but it will break your heart

-already broke

Let me sleep in

I am tired of my misery

And I would like you

To love me

but give it to me

everything at once

so there isn’t time for me to remember

who you are not

This is the night when these woods breathe

my past is eating me from the inside

could you please stay silent for once

oh, and baby, there is no future between us

numb my pain as you will never understand it

Turn down these noises inside my head

Lay down with me tell me no lies

and wait.

picture: “Long evenings in my room.” by laura-makabresku

Don’t fall in love with a writer
because you’ll never find a way to survive,
In this love that has no eyes.
We don’t love bodies
for the sake of their shape
we take each inch of them
until their bones
and feel them in thousands of words
in hundreds of books
we love you with the deepest part
we inhale you
we take you to our roots
we give you your eternity of you
we take you as you
the one that you don’t know that exist
and when we love,
we love you in anyways, that our veins hurt
with fire, with honesty

But…

Don’t fall in love with a writer
because we will spend a lifetime
trying to find the perfect way,
to describe how you left us
In anyway

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will torture your spirit
without even going there.
that you’ll never keep the sparkle
under the light of a thousand stars

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will hang you up on the moon
while every star is watching
and tell the universe about the feeling of your touch
and about the butterflies that you created in our veins
And then we will tell with sadness
how you destroyed every centimeter of them
we will endure you under the sun
so you get burn with every word
that finishes in ” I don’t”.

Don’t fall in love with a writer
because if you tear our soul
we will be drowning in silence
until your ears go deaf
we’ll use our revenge
and our grief
and the explosion of them both
to make swords of all the words you said
we will take the blood you lost
and paint everything that is yours
to leave you with a reminder of what you did

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will suck your blood and use instead of ink
until you got nothing to give
and send to people you loved
as a beautiful memory of your soul

Do not fall in love with a writer
because once we are destroyed
the world will see the damage you can cause
the bruises left on lips
the tear-stained cheeks
the bones you broke
the lies we carry on our spine
the empty holes in our skin that you’ve touched
the dark cycle under eyes
the sadness in our words

Don’t fall in love with a writer
we will keep you walking on our immortal heart
every night
until your tissues aches
to show you what it means
to use and play with our words
and each word will be saved in our draft
but you’ll never survive from our box of trash.

“The soul that sees beauty may sometimes walk alone.” – JOHANN WOLFGANG VON GOETHE

If we are lonely when we are alone, we are in bad company. And that’s when we need to change the direction of our thoughts, soul, life.

It’s beautiful to be alone. It’s peaceful, it’s right. It is normal, and it’s important.

Most of the time, we are so afraid to be alone. Sitting, sleeping, eating, walking… or doing anything or nothing with ourselves..we feel uncomfortable, something is not right. Because we have beliefs, wrong ideas about what life is and what makes us happy. Who taught us ever that being alone is healthy for our mind, body, and soul?
Because our roots are dirty with the beliefs, wrong beliefs about life, we are feeling abandoned, or not important, if we are alone. So we start looking, for moments, for adventures, for anyone, anything, whatever comes. We start losing ourselves in the new feelings that could numb the old ones. But it’s never enough. We hang on anything that occurs in our way, but none of that we truly need.

I took a break today, I disconnected from anything. It was me, 10 miles biking. I could pay attention to how I breathe, what my mind is telling about what I see. I could make my own decision to stop or not. I listened to myself and my own reflection in our nature. I was looking at what I am and what nature is. We both connect so deeply.
Coming back I understood that I took something from this trip. Nature welcomed my soul and let me go. How simple. The same way, with us. People.

Don’t hold people in your life if you don’t need them, let them in and out, the same way nature does to us.
I never realized that everything I am is enough, and how much beauty can come from being alone.

I always thought that being alone means being unhappy, it was a  comment as simply a word game — clever but ultimately false at its core.  It’s taken many years to finally understand the truth. We are never so alone as when we are lost, unfulfilled in our dreams and visions, and untrusting in our own inner counsel.

come back…to me..to you!

imagine :Reflections at Drum Bridge

As I started to walk endlessly from you in the moonlight,
I understood:
I was never good at goodbyes.
I could feel something under my bones,
Just hurting to take a last look.
I had an intense desire to see if you were still there.
After I voluntarily uncovered my injured soul to you,
Bitter at such an early stage,
To see a bandaged innocent soul.

So I looked behind me.

I concluded why I looked into your eyes :
Your dark eyes were so mysterious,
So gentle and inviting that my heart melted.
I was trying to look deep into your thoughts,
Deep into your mind,
Trying to see what was in your heart.
But I could find many things that could make me shake.
And what hypnotized me most was that
You were looking at me in the same passion.

So I stopped and turned fully around.

I kept thinking to myself:
Why can’t I find someone like you?
You’re unusual than the rest of them.
Would it be too weird?
I can’t do this to you, can I?

What made me let go of my past and have a future:
It’s like you were holding a mirror approaching me
So the reflection of the moon,
Could get through the broken parts of me,
And shine.

I walked away, but he held my hands and whispered:

Takes a lot of energy to stay that profoundly beautiful and to glow over that much darkness, as the moon does.
Or you!

“Imagine by Laura M.”